University Exams

Guys, I gotta tell you I’m so fucking proud!!! Probably not exactly something to be proud of for a ‘normal’ person but hey, for me, it’s like such big success!!! I stayed a couple days at my parents’ place to study…for some reason I can study there whereas as S.’s place I can’t. Today I had a fucking exam and I filled in so many answers…!!! It was probably complete crap but hey, my fucking brain produced some shit!!!! I’m so looking forward to the results, I’m curious whether it’s a pass!! I haven’t written a fucking essay in three years and I wrote a pretty good one today…that def means something if I(!) am that positive. Whether I passed or not, I’m proud. My fucked up brain actually remembered some stuff!!!!Well, we’ll see…never be too positive…worst case scenario is always the safest… but I’m pretty positive. Just had to tell you how excited I am. I’m probably a bit manic right now. Bought some vodka and went to starbucks, ordered black coffee cos I don’t exactly have much money 😉 Drank some at the loo and for the moment I feel f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s like a queen, lol xD Also already studied a bit, fuck I actually studied, I’m so fucking proud!!!

Sorry for the usage of ‘fuck’ in this post but it’s one of my favourite word  even though I come from such a perfect little family…;) Fuck is such a powerful word that expresses feelings so fucking well so…^^

I hope you guys are okay and not manic like me right now, because maniacs are sure to crush violently eventually. Not going to think about it right now but enjoying the high, vodka rocks!!!!

Love y’all xx Rosey

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Bliss

I sit and study and drink rosé wine. I have 2 packages of conjac noodles with a bit of sweet chili sauce. My reflux makes me purge the meagre calories up immediately, into a cup. I smoke, I feel content and relieved because even those few calories scare me. Alcohol is okay, got to get those calories to survive from somewhere. I feel dizzy and I like it. And I still feel full and satisfied, I fooled my stomach once again into believing I had a real meal. Isn’t it lovely?

Cram and starve

I’m trying to really study for my exams this year….. I drove to my parents’ place today with Lilly and so far I’ve studied at least a bit. Talked a bit with dad, helped my mum with grocery shopping and dinner – which of course I didn’t join. Bought a reasonable ration of energy drinks, coke and cigarettes to get me through the next few days. Dad gave me 60€ (!!!) to buy cigarettes and other stuff which helps me a lot with my current financial situation!! Had two cigarettes back home, did some exercise, had a cold shower, had another cigarette + espresso and now trying to study some more. I’m actually super-tired despite all the caffeine but I mustn’t sleep tonight, gotta burn calories and study. From a medical point of view super-healthy lol…

Not so ladylike

How far have I come…perfect little girl drinking wine out of a tetrapak that she could only afford because of all her boyfriends beer bottle deposits (he doesn’t have a problem he just collects all the bottles forever so it’s not unusual that I get up to 2€ from it). I always try to bring them back before he does and he doesn’t mind…this way I get a little bit of cash. You can buy a lot from 2€ if you’ve been through financial situations like this. You start thinking very economically. 2€ = 4 energy drinks = 1l tetrapak white wine = 3l skimmed milk = 6 250ml lowfat yoghurts = 3 800g tins of lentils (which i don’t eat these days but used to love!) = 10 1l bottles sugarfree coke= 8 100g tins of cat food….. All of those are low budget products of course but hey, right? I feel so rich right now.

Imagine the embarrassment I’m facing today when I go for coffee with a good friend of mine who’s super sophisticated and nothing like fucked up me. Well, no coffee for me. I’ll be sick and order some tab water….they either give that to you for free or they charge a few cents – I have 1 € left so that should work!!??

I have my probably last therapy session this evening. I’m going to tell her how I feel, she loves that. Because reason understands why things have to be the way they’re going to be but my feelings are different. And that’s something I’ve ignored my whole life. As long as things made sense my feelings didn’t get to have a say because everything made sense, you know?

Alright, going to drink up my classy wine, stop at the library and get Kurt’s diaries AGAIN to feel connected to at least someone who’s (was) as fucked up as I am.

Still alive

So here I am again…lol. Like I’ve probably said a thousand times I have no idea why it’s so hard to write on here regularly!? I pissed at myself about this tbh because I dream of having a blog that I write on daily, that people actually read and I too get tired of blogs that are never updated. Not because I don’t care but where’s the point you see? I’ve been journalling though, mostly about what I ate – which I also haven’t done for the past few days. Not eating sadly, I mean journalling.

A lot has happened though and I have no idea were to start. I’ll  sum it up as briefly as possibly because reliving the whole thing through writing is not so comforting even if they say it helps you cope but for me it doesn’t. I always dwell in the past anyways.

Three weeks ago I found out that I girl I knew from facebook (anorexic) had killed herself. Probably. Whatever it was, she has passed away. I was so terribly shocked because I hadn’t been on my second account for a while and the last thing I remember that she said was that he was going to try to get better and recover. I was home at my parents’ place that night and drinking a lot and then crying and getting very depressed because, why her? Why not me? Why a pretty precious perfect girl loved by so many? Why not me, the fucked up hopeless on. Also this weird feeling…someone you kind of knew – you do know lots of personal things from someone you’re connected on ED platforms – suddenly isn’t there anymore. Like you saw her post and talk about her life, you’ve seen pictures and then suddenly she can’t do all that anymore because she is gone. It’s a crazy discomforting feeling. I’m still trying to take this whole thing in.

Another thing was that a girl (severe anorexia, bdd and whatnot) about my age I actually care about like a sister – note to self: must stop doing that – unfriended me and also hasn’t been posting in a while. I was so worried because she’s always on the brink of death and I would be devastated if anything happened to her. A friend of hers told me she was supposedly fine though and just not able to pay internet bills. Still pretty unusual because she posted everyday and soooo much. But maybe it’ll even do her good to stay away? No idea. I just wish she’d answer me, I miss her, I’m worried sick and I’m super hurt that she unfriended me just because I hadn’t been on for a while?  And I had thought we were close. But then I get the feeling that in this state of sickness, although you’re a loving caring person with a great heart, you’re incapable of true caring.

College after winter holiday sucked. I had no energy, I was drunk the whole day and I was reminded again of how much work it actually is to survive one schoolday. So next day I didn’t go and the following morning I took a bunch of various pills with vodka, trying to get my miserable heart to stop. Tu cut it short and as you can gather I’m still here. Yay.

Instead of stopping my heart I woke up several hours later shaking like crazy, as if I was epileptic…I had no control over my body whatsoever, I couldn’t keep it still and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was near passing out but didn’t and so the nightmare continued. Boyfriend called the ambulance, I was rushed to hospital and ended up in a single room for observation and intensive care at the  ICU because my organs were almost failing and very weak. I don’t really want to talk about it, it all sucked.
One ‘fun’ thing I remember was that I had the energy to swear at one of the ambulance guys because he told them through his radio device that I was a ‘female about 50kg’ FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!! xD This sat with me for the next few days and it didn’t matter that the doctors and nurses said how underweight and frail I was. People are and always will be so confusing. To those who gasped at the 50kgs like me; a couple days later I was weighed by my psych who stated I was ‘way below 50kgs’. Thank. God. I’m guessing still in the yucky 4os but I honestly can’t say, my body perception is fucked up.

Yeah and now I’m out, incapable of going to school (I went for two  hours last Monday to write a test but hadn’t been able to study one bit for ahem physical and mental reasons), hopeless, depressed, going to lose my therapy because she can’t treat me outpatient anymore and I have to go to a clinic. I would accept all the help they want to give me if only they leave alone my eating disorder and weight. Which is impossible. Soooo….I’m screwed, I think.
I try to study for uni exams taking end of January to at least succeed at something but my concentration bla bla bla…not going to repeat myself again. I drink everyday, can’t stay away, everyone is sick worried and watching my every step. I’m meeting a few friends these days including an old school colleague I haven’t seen for about 9 years….I try to distract myself as much as possible but the shit in your head goes everywhere with you. Gotta go now, this is getting too much.

xx Stay safe out there and don’t do the shit I do.

 

 

Back to College

Tomorrow holidays are over and I’m going back to college. I’m friggin anxious although I settled everything with the headmistress and my teachers. Well technically only with my head teacher and she said she’d talked to all the other teachers. I still feel awful about going to class though because I can’t be sure that all the teachers are informed!?? And what am I going to d with tests and all if I’m going to repeat this year anyways? Will the teachers cal me out in front of class? What will people think? What am I to do in all the practical subjects since I’m so far behind? Will the teachers be kind about it? Are my colleague going to ask lots of questions? What am I supposed to answer? There are so many things why I’m afraid of tomorrow but I have no other choice but to attend. I want this school and I need a daily structure which school could give me.

12th December

So today started out with me not going to school – SURPRISE!!!

I also didn’t go to uni because I didn’t fall asleep until 6am. Note to self: Should really take sleeping pills again.

Te text to my mum turned out as a not so bad idea, she replied and was really nice and understanding. Mum you still don’t know what new shit is going on we’ll see how you’ll react then….
She called me early this morning though (I was sleeping) assuming that I was going to school and even texted me I should give her a rief ring asap. Catching up on a night’s sleep I only read her text around noon…I wasn’t able to return her call then because I didn’t know what to say…I was scared she’s as about whether I was in school or not…

I so wish I could talk to her about everything but I don’t want her to worry even more and be disappointed again. Parents want their children to make them proud and I’m doing the exact opposite.

I really should check my mail inbox to see if the headmistress has replied to my email. Although it’s no use now anymore… but i’m still trying to run from reality,  did a skin cleansing routine and showered and got dressed in an attempt to be nice to myself lol.

Fuck I just wish I could go up to someone and talk to them. So many people come to my mind…but I can’t bug them with something like this…especially if I haven’t been in touch for so long. Just fuck me.

I want booze but the thought of it scares me off. I  still drink and nothing spectacular happens except that I get even more tired. The thought of the calories…. I think I’m screwed enough so I plan on leaving early for my therapy and buy some more Shochu from the money that actually belongs to my mum… who cares. I also want to buy S a birthday present…it feels awful not having the means to do so, he buys me stuff all the time…

K I made up my mind. 100€ less are not going to do great harm. At least not right now…it’s easy to act impulsively and only think about the consequences when they can’t be avoided anymore.

My ultimate goal: Still, to die soon. I’ve been all over food S bought for me over the past few weeks but oh I’m going to find my willpower again. I’m not intending to survive this. I know I’ll still make it to next year, for everything else my body’s way to well nourished but hope to not make it past winter…

I want to stop disappointing everyone already including myself and I just want peace from all this mess that I’m responsible for thanks to my sick mind.

Screwed up again

Hi everyone,

so what I’m going to write about today is not big news but maybe to you it is because it’s stuff I’ve been bottling up over the past few days, weeks (I lost track of time)…

Current situation: re-registered as university student, missed even more college classes, scared as hell because of it, been to the school psychologist but that only helped short-term, missed therapy several times (both on purpose and accidentally, overslept an important appointment with the headmistress of my school to settle the mess I’ve got myself into) and it feels like I’ve gained a lot because bf’s been buying me tons of food, stuff that I couldn’t resist, ignoring my mum’s calls because I don’t want to disappoint her, big money troubles, drunk….

Summary: My life sucks I suck

I feel like a trapped wild animal. There’s so much going on inside of me and I can’t get it out. There are people who offer to listen but I don’t know how to talk or how to put things into words, also they wouldn’t understand (I don’t understand half of the things myself).

Just before I tried talking to S (boyfriend) about not wanting to go back to school because too much has happened and continuing university instead. It actually wasn’t so hard to talk first but then it turned out as expected: even more guilt and chaos and confusion.

Also i just texted my mum who’s been calling for the past three days. I so regret it I really shouldn’t have written all that stuff, now she knows for sure that I’m in a bad place again.

I actually wanted to write about so much but my energy and focus are already gone.

Plans for tomorrow: attend university classes, maybe call my school for another appointment with the headmistress (although I’ve already written an email but yeah…boyfriends idea…), get prescriptions for my missing meds, lose weight….have I forgotten anything?

Whatever….bye for now, I hope you’re doing better than I do….

xx

Anxiety to go back to College

I’m feeling awful. Today is the last day before classes start again and I don’t feel like going back and seeing all the others again. Trying to please everyone in order to still become popular somehow and to not be an outsider because I exclude myself from all sorts of communication. I’m scared of the teachers who I wanted to prove how great I am and how I managed to catch up with everything I missed during the first month of college. Because I didn’t, I didn’t have the energy, was constantly tired and all my body wanted to do was rest. I’m not sure I can do this, maybe it’s over now. I don’t want to leave though because it was my big dream to go there and to pursue a career in fashion and I decided to not let my illnesses keep me from living. I don’t want to spend all day at home feeling like a failure or go to a clinic. The vicious voice is even whispering how great it’ll be to be in college all day, not having time to eat and to lose more and more weight. I know for sure that I’m going to resign from modelling for the open days that are approaching. I probably won’t fit into a size 32, I’ve been eating so much…. I wanted to weigh a lot less when they touched my body during the fittings. And now I don’t and I don’t want to have even more proof of how fat I am. I’m scared of sewing classes because there’s still the ‘situation’ with the skirt. I have to finish it asap but I don’t want the teacher to touch me during the fitting (which is necessary to continue sewing) and to have everyone see how I’m not thin at all in case they actually thought I was thin before.I’m tired of the pressure to be thin enough on those days we have sewing classes….
I’m really afraid of my colleagues because I’m becoming less and less part of their cliques and activities. Some of them already act as if I don’t exist and it’s all my fault. Just because I feel like crap everyday and have to frequently stay away because of my crying outbursts and panic attacks. If at least I was thinner that before holiday. I’m sitting at my desk now, quickly typing my thoughts down and after that I should try to do as much class work as possible. I’m depressed, demotivated and I just want someone to numb all the thoughts and that empty feeling (as paradox as that sounds). I want to sleep forever. I just don’t want to deal with all this because I have no strength left. Somebody please stop time from running. I don’t know what to do. But if I don’t continue college that’ll be it with my future, this was the last attempt to make something out of my life. And I’ll continue eating more and lose control and get fatter instead of losing all the weight. How difficult can it be to lose fucking 5kgs?? Actually not at all if I just don’t eat.And college gives me that security. Of course college isn’t all about that for me but it’s the only thing that I manage to do successfully there. I have to go now, maybe I’ll check in later. I don’t know how to survive this day. I don’t want tomorrow to come. Is there nothing out there that could help me with all this shit??

BDD (Body Dismorphic Disorder)

First, a few definitions by scientific research and eating disorder organisations:

“Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is often called the ‘imagined ugliness’ disorder. […] excessive, dispce8df606c21d3e9a34d3bab6f4f71805roportionate concerns about a minor flaw, or as recurrent, anxiety-provoking thoughts about an entirely imagined defect […] most frequently focused on the head and face, but may involve any body part. [Sufferers] feel that something is too big or swollen or too small, or that it is out of proportion to the rest of the body. Any part of the body may however be involved in BDD including the breasts, genitals, buttocks, abdomen, hands, feet, legs, hips, overall body size, body build or muscle bulk […] lead[s] most patients to engage in compulsive behaviours, such as mirror checking, excessive grooming, and skin picking … [They] believe themselves to be ugly or defective.” Source: http://www.ocduk.org/bdd
“A normally healthy weight range for an individual can be perceived as overweight by someone with a distorted body image.  An anorexic … woman may look at herself in a mirror and see a reflection that is greater than her actual size.” Source: https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/body-image

Sorry, I’m a bit out of practise with citations but just so you know where the info comes from and that I don’t claim it as my own 😉

And now about my body self-perception:

I’m not entirely convinced what I have is BDD or a distorted body image. I know it’s common among people with eating disorders and yes, there’s a big chance I suffer from it too. Deep down I know I do. But when I look myself in the mirror I’m certain that what I see is real and that I’m probably the only eating-disordered person who sees their real size in the mirror. Leaves the question open why my size keeps changing often several times a day but there’s one prevalent size and image I keep seeing. People tell me what I see is total bullshit but I don’t believe them. It’s so hard to get into your head because why on earth would you see yourself as bigger as you are, why is it so real for you?? In addition there’s the fact that people generally tend to lie when it comes to judging someone elses body. However is this the same? Are they telling the truth? In your perception they are just trying to make you feel better or they are exaggerating or it’s them who have a distorted perception.

This morning I looked myself in the mirror and all I see again is a chubby short person with chubby thighs, an upper body that’s way out of proportion and too big for her height; I see a completely acne scarred face with weird mouth-nose-eye proportions or just generally something weird but I don’t know what exactly it is. The face shape is weird, the eyes are weird when I look at my face as a whole. They are kind of okay when looked at without the rest of the face but as soon as you look at the whole picture it’s just totally unaesthetic. Actually putting it in a category is difficult because it’s ot ugly per se…it’s definitely not pretty but it’s something more than ugly, something I can’t describe.

As for my thighs and butt and torso….I really wonder how I have a low bmi and where I lost that weight. Probably all brain weight or whatever. Maybe some organs shrank, otherwise it makes no sense. Noone in the entire world can look like that with a bmi 16 on the lower end. Except me. This only confirms how I see myself: weird and different and just abnormal and ridiculous. Maybe it’s my height. Maybe short people have it more difficult to actually look anorexic or thin. But then I know girls who are short and look sooo tiny. So is it just me? It must be. Maybe some exceptions. But it must be my height. Fuck my height. Fuck my parents who didn’t realise how I wasn’t growing throughout all my puberty. How I stopped growing at 10. Fuck them that they didn’t do anything about it, I mean how would I know there’ s such a thing as treatments with growth hormones etc. Ecetera ecetera….and here we are back with the old conflict of my height. Blaming my height for everything.

So that’s my BDD. Or apparently BDD. I don’t know I know I don’t know I know I don’t know. But it probably is a distorted perception. But it probably isn’t. That’s how I feel. That’s what I have to contribute to the topic. Completely fucked up, right? I know from others who have eating disorders that they often feel the same way. But according to my brain they really have a distorted perception and are wrong in what they see in the mirror. Whereas I’m oh so special that I’m actually right when I see these things.

bdd

I’m slowly getting a headache reflecting on all this, it’s always passively on my mind anyways and also I have to do work for college. It’s way to late to manage doing all the work I should’ve done but I’ll try trying.

Bye for now, I hope you all have a nice day! xx