I had one yesterday and it went well except that I
didn’t want to couldn’t talk about my eating disorder. About anorexia. Because I’m SOSOSOSOSOSOSOS scared of hearing something that hurts me, and let me tell you, this would hurt me so much:
BUT YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A DISORDER.
ARE YOU BULIMIC?
I am technically underweight but except people close to me noone sees that, noone knows what my normal healthy body is supposed to look like. That it would mean 10kgs more to be healthy.
And this is why I am scared like hell about today’s first talk with another therapist. One who actually specialises on eating disorders and body dysmorphia but we all know stories of ‘specialists’, right?
I want to talk about the eating disorder. About ANOREXIA. Because I have it. I’m diagnosed. I fit the diagnosis. But then I’m afraid I don’t ‘qualify’ I’m not thin enough. I need to lose weight for doctors and therapists to take me seriously and not hurt me. I want my old therapist back!!!
A good and competent therapist would never tell me that I was fat. But I don’t know that woman who I’m going to see in 6,5 hours….it’s a risk. And I hate risks, especially if I might get hurt.
I don’t know what to do.
That was another reason why I cut yesterday by the way, it just came to my mind again.