It’s 4am, I slept for 3 hours and now I can’t go back to sleep. Curing alcohol with alcohol, although I don’t get hangovers I have a headache from the combo of alcohol+little sleep. I know this is bad. I know it is. So why do I do this to myself? I honestly don’t know.
As I mentioned on my facebook account I cut yesterday after almost a year. I just felt in need of relief so badly, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I know I probably sound like a sad little swot but it’s not like that….it hasn’t been for a long time because I haven’t been successful at anything at all. Okay, rewinding. Yes I have done some things, yes I am close to finishing my studies (hypothetically) and yes I’m probably (hypothetically) good at things. But that’s worth nothing to me if the present doesn’t work out and if I can’t access that part of me that can do stuff. I have no energy and motivation and above all no persistence. I wish I could just run away but I can’t. Physically yes, literally no.
After having come ‘so far’ with my studies I need to finish them because a) all the work and pain and the tears would’ve been in vain b)everyone expects me to and they’ll leave me in peace (and I’ll let myself in peace) if I did c) it’s all I have to show for in life apart from A-levels (wohoo). I know, inner worth etc blabla but that doesn’t get me a job or money or closer to my dreams. Not even sure what my dreams are anymore. I had it all planned out but it’s hard to have dreams if you are your own worst enemy and the present isn’t working out.
Again sounding like a whiny pathetic swat (oh my god my life is so sad because i can’t finish my studies….) They’re not just studies though. They’re me. They’re everything I’ve worked for and what I’ve gone through. I’ve invested so much passion, pain and tears into them, I deserve some kind of reward for that, and I want to get it otherwise I’ll live to regret it. They stand for finishing something, for going through with something big for once in my life that will actually have an impact on my future. I know this bachelor degree isn’t going to make me happy, I dread it but finishing something, staying strong, will. Not happy but a bit happier. And it’ll open new doors for me in life, it means I’d be independent and can do whatever I want without bad conscience. Tell that my fucked up brain though, there’s the rub.
Fml fml fml…..
And to sum it up, it’s not about my studies. This is about me. About my deep disgust and hatred of myself for whatever reason. My inability to accept myself and to be kind to myself. How can this be so difficult? What if the destructive part is too big?
I’m trying to get therapy again to help me a bit but I’m not sure this is going to work out. Because of said destructive part.