Two glasses of wine. Very likely more during the next few hours if I don’t fall asleep. To my embarrassment boxed wine since I can’t afford more. I have no cigarettes so I feel like I need to give in to another addiction. I think it was last year in Spring that I became addicted to cigarettes. Out of choice because as someone with an eating disorder you know they decrease your appetite. And they help when you want to eat. But like all addictions it gets out of control eventually and you HAVE to have a cigarette RIGHT NOW. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to stop and I’ve always believed that if someone truly wanted to stop they can….it just shows how easily I become addicted to something.
Yesterday I downed almost a whole bottle of red wine, not much for me or probably anyone who drinks out of other reasons than pleasure. Despite about 88lbs I meanwhile need more and more to get drunk. Which is awful to me because more alcohol means more calories and less fat burning but what the hell. I’ve never gained because as long as you drink below your calories you’re fine. Anyways I went to sleep (red wine and wine in general makes me tired if not paired with an adequate dose of caffeine) so that’s probably why I didn’t finish the bottle….boyfriend discovered it when he came home and was pretty upset. I felt sorry for him because it hurts to see him hurting and worrying about me all the time. I was sober by the time then so at least that helped a bit. If he knew I was drinking now he’d either call me immediately and give me a lecture or he’d rush home. I don’t blame him but I wish I could just keep this separate from our relationship. But drinking will eventually affect any relationship like every addiction. But thank god he doesn’t know how much I drink and how I drink almost every day – thanks Wrigleys and Odol.
For the record, this is getting weird to write so openly about my drinking. But I just felt like getting something off my chest and well, it helped. After all I can write whatever I want. And I
have an excuse: I’m a bit drunk. Lol