Not so ladylike


How far have I come…perfect little girl drinking wine out of a tetrapak that she could only afford because of all her boyfriends beer bottle deposits (he doesn’t have a problem he just collects all the bottles forever so it’s not unusual that I get up to 2€ from it). I always try to bring them back before he does and he doesn’t mind…this way I get a little bit of cash. You can buy a lot from 2€ if you’ve been through financial situations like this. You start thinking very economically. 2€ = 4 energy drinks = 1l tetrapak white wine = 3l skimmed milk = 6 250ml lowfat yoghurts = 3 800g tins of lentils (which i don’t eat these days but used to love!) = 10 1l bottles sugarfree coke= 8 100g tins of cat food….. All of those are low budget products of course but hey, right? I feel so rich right now.

Imagine the embarrassment I’m facing today when I go for coffee with a good friend of mine who’s super sophisticated and nothing like fucked up me. Well, no coffee for me. I’ll be sick and order some tab water….they either give that to you for free or they charge a few cents – I have 1 € left so that should work!!??

I have my probably last therapy session this evening. I’m going to tell her how I feel, she loves that. Because reason understands why things have to be the way they’re going to be but my feelings are different. And that’s something I’ve ignored my whole life. As long as things made sense my feelings didn’t get to have a say because everything made sense, you know?

Alright, going to drink up my classy wine, stop at the library and get Kurt’s diaries AGAIN to feel connected to at least someone who’s (was) as fucked up as I am.

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