Still alive

So here I am again…lol. Like I’ve probably said a thousand times I have no idea why it’s so hard to write on here regularly!? I pissed at myself about this tbh because I dream of having a blog that I write on daily, that people actually read and I too get tired of blogs that are never updated. Not because I don’t care but where’s the point you see? I’ve been journalling though, mostly about what I ate – which I also haven’t done for the past few days. Not eating sadly, I mean journalling.

A lot has happened though and I have no idea were to start. I’ll  sum it up as briefly as possibly because reliving the whole thing through writing is not so comforting even if they say it helps you cope but for me it doesn’t. I always dwell in the past anyways.

Three weeks ago I found out that I girl I knew from facebook (anorexic) had killed herself. Probably. Whatever it was, she has passed away. I was so terribly shocked because I hadn’t been on my second account for a while and the last thing I remember that she said was that he was going to try to get better and recover. I was home at my parents’ place that night and drinking a lot and then crying and getting very depressed because, why her? Why not me? Why a pretty precious perfect girl loved by so many? Why not me, the fucked up hopeless on. Also this weird feeling…someone you kind of knew – you do know lots of personal things from someone you’re connected on ED platforms – suddenly isn’t there anymore. Like you saw her post and talk about her life, you’ve seen pictures and then suddenly she can’t do all that anymore because she is gone. It’s a crazy discomforting feeling. I’m still trying to take this whole thing in.

Another thing was that a girl (severe anorexia, bdd and whatnot) about my age I actually care about like a sister – note to self: must stop doing that – unfriended me and also hasn’t been posting in a while. I was so worried because she’s always on the brink of death and I would be devastated if anything happened to her. A friend of hers told me she was supposedly fine though and just not able to pay internet bills. Still pretty unusual because she posted everyday and soooo much. But maybe it’ll even do her good to stay away? No idea. I just wish she’d answer me, I miss her, I’m worried sick and I’m super hurt that she unfriended me just because I hadn’t been on for a while?  And I had thought we were close. But then I get the feeling that in this state of sickness, although you’re a loving caring person with a great heart, you’re incapable of true caring.

College after winter holiday sucked. I had no energy, I was drunk the whole day and I was reminded again of how much work it actually is to survive one schoolday. So next day I didn’t go and the following morning I took a bunch of various pills with vodka, trying to get my miserable heart to stop. Tu cut it short and as you can gather I’m still here. Yay.

Instead of stopping my heart I woke up several hours later shaking like crazy, as if I was epileptic…I had no control over my body whatsoever, I couldn’t keep it still and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was near passing out but didn’t and so the nightmare continued. Boyfriend called the ambulance, I was rushed to hospital and ended up in a single room for observation and intensive care at the  ICU because my organs were almost failing and very weak. I don’t really want to talk about it, it all sucked.
One ‘fun’ thing I remember was that I had the energy to swear at one of the ambulance guys because he told them through his radio device that I was a ‘female about 50kg’ FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!! xD This sat with me for the next few days and it didn’t matter that the doctors and nurses said how underweight and frail I was. People are and always will be so confusing. To those who gasped at the 50kgs like me; a couple days later I was weighed by my psych who stated I was ‘way below 50kgs’. Thank. God. I’m guessing still in the yucky 4os but I honestly can’t say, my body perception is fucked up.

Yeah and now I’m out, incapable of going to school (I went for two  hours last Monday to write a test but hadn’t been able to study one bit for ahem physical and mental reasons), hopeless, depressed, going to lose my therapy because she can’t treat me outpatient anymore and I have to go to a clinic. I would accept all the help they want to give me if only they leave alone my eating disorder and weight. Which is impossible. Soooo….I’m screwed, I think.
I try to study for uni exams taking end of January to at least succeed at something but my concentration bla bla bla…not going to repeat myself again. I drink everyday, can’t stay away, everyone is sick worried and watching my every step. I’m meeting a few friends these days including an old school colleague I haven’t seen for about 9 years….I try to distract myself as much as possible but the shit in your head goes everywhere with you. Gotta go now, this is getting too much.

xx Stay safe out there and don’t do the shit I do.




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