12th December


So today started out with me not going to school – SURPRISE!!!

I also didn’t go to uni because I didn’t fall asleep until 6am. Note to self: Should really take sleeping pills again.

Te text to my mum turned out as a not so bad idea, she replied and was really nice and understanding. Mum you still don’t know what new shit is going on we’ll see how you’ll react then….
She called me early this morning though (I was sleeping) assuming that I was going to school and even texted me I should give her a rief ring asap. Catching up on a night’s sleep I only read her text around noon…I wasn’t able to return her call then because I didn’t know what to say…I was scared she’s as about whether I was in school or not…

I so wish I could talk to her about everything but I don’t want her to worry even more and be disappointed again. Parents want their children to make them proud and I’m doing the exact opposite.

I really should check my mail inbox to see if the headmistress has replied to my email. Although it’s no use now anymore… but i’m still trying to run from reality,  did a skin cleansing routine and showered and got dressed in an attempt to be nice to myself lol.

Fuck I just wish I could go up to someone and talk to them. So many people come to my mind…but I can’t bug them with something like this…especially if I haven’t been in touch for so long. Just fuck me.

I want booze but the thought of it scares me off. I  still drink and nothing spectacular happens except that I get even more tired. The thought of the calories…. I think I’m screwed enough so I plan on leaving early for my therapy and buy some more Shochu from the money that actually belongs to my mum… who cares. I also want to buy S a birthday present…it feels awful not having the means to do so, he buys me stuff all the time…

K I made up my mind. 100€ less are not going to do great harm. At least not right now…it’s easy to act impulsively and only think about the consequences when they can’t be avoided anymore.

My ultimate goal: Still, to die soon. I’ve been all over food S bought for me over the past few weeks but oh I’m going to find my willpower again. I’m not intending to survive this. I know I’ll still make it to next year, for everything else my body’s way to well nourished but hope to not make it past winter…

I want to stop disappointing everyone already including myself and I just want peace from all this mess that I’m responsible for thanks to my sick mind.

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