Anxiety to go back to College


I’m feeling awful. Today is the last day before classes start again and I don’t feel like going back and seeing all the others again. Trying to please everyone in order to still become popular somehow and to not be an outsider because I exclude myself from all sorts of communication. I’m scared of the teachers who I wanted to prove how great I am and how I managed to catch up with everything I missed during the first month of college. Because I didn’t, I didn’t have the energy, was constantly tired and all my body wanted to do was rest. I’m not sure I can do this, maybe it’s over now. I don’t want to leave though because it was my big dream to go there and to pursue a career in fashion and I decided to not let my illnesses keep me from living. I don’t want to spend all day at home feeling like a failure or go to a clinic. The vicious voice is even whispering how great it’ll be to be in college all day, not having time to eat and to lose more and more weight. I know for sure that I’m going to resign from modelling for the open days that are approaching. I probably won’t fit into a size 32, I’ve been eating so much…. I wanted to weigh a lot less when they touched my body during the fittings. And now I don’t and I don’t want to have even more proof of how fat I am. I’m scared of sewing classes because there’s still the ‘situation’ with the skirt. I have to finish it asap but I don’t want the teacher to touch me during the fitting (which is necessary to continue sewing) and to have everyone see how I’m not thin at all in case they actually thought I was thin before.I’m tired of the pressure to be thin enough on those days we have sewing classes….
I’m really afraid of my colleagues because I’m becoming less and less part of their cliques and activities. Some of them already act as if I don’t exist and it’s all my fault. Just because I feel like crap everyday and have to frequently stay away because of my crying outbursts and panic attacks. If at least I was thinner that before holiday. I’m sitting at my desk now, quickly typing my thoughts down and after that I should try to do as much class work as possible. I’m depressed, demotivated and I just want someone to numb all the thoughts and that empty feeling (as paradox as that sounds). I want to sleep forever. I just don’t want to deal with all this because I have no strength left. Somebody please stop time from running. I don’t know what to do. But if I don’t continue college that’ll be it with my future, this was the last attempt to make something out of my life. And I’ll continue eating more and lose control and get fatter instead of losing all the weight. How difficult can it be to lose fucking 5kgs?? Actually not at all if I just don’t eat.And college gives me that security. Of course college isn’t all about that for me but it’s the only thing that I manage to do successfully there. I have to go now, maybe I’ll check in later. I don’t know how to survive this day. I don’t want tomorrow to come. Is there nothing out there that could help me with all this shit??

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