We didn’t talk about anything today but bodies and feeling our bodies etc etc. I actually wanted to talk about different things but that’s not how therapy works, it can turn out anyway every session and you certainly can’t plan it. Anyways I felt awful and disgusted with myself afterwards. I wish I could just switch this fucking voice off that keeps terrorising my 24/7 with fat-thin fat-tin fat-thin FAT-THIN…FAT FAT FAT!!!!!! I wonder constantly about which I am, every mirror or other reflective object becomes focus of my obsession, I just HAVE TO LOOK, I hate it!!! My l butt, thighs and belly feel like they’re about to explode anytime and I’m sure I’ve put on tons of weight.
Yesterday I bought myself a new book about a girl who struggled with anorexia. On my way home I read how concerned everyone was and how she looked sick at a bmi 16.8. Of course I started comparing. My bmi is lower so do I look sick? Do I? But I’m fat, I know it! I don’t look anything like thin or whatsoever. What the fuck am I??? My constant worry in life – you see how brilliantly my priorities are set.
When the tube arrived at the station I had to get out I took the stairs of course. 3 sets of stairs, idk maybe 100? More? I don’t know, I don’t count. At least one obsession I still stay clear off. Arriving upstairs I was so terribly out of breath and could breathe in properly, plus some shit in my chest hurt. Pathetic right?? How could I even think about getting a new hometrainer or stepper this morning if I couldn’t even take a couple stairs. After 10 minutes of walking home I felt a bit better only to start all over again, next stairs. When I was finally standing in front of the door I was again out of breath, heart pounding and sweating. SWEATING WTF!!!?? That’s what fat people do right?? Overweight people who have no stamina. I’m a very active person though. But oh well, it’s been like this for years now (except for times when I had a healthy weight on me which was about twice the case).
I almost had no energy left to type this but I gave myself a push because I always feel so awful when I never write anything down despite having soooo many ideas. Well, goal achieved. Good night for now and I hope I can keep this up.