Eternally fat

I feel so awful right now. It’s crazy how my body perception keeps fluctuating and how rapidly i can go from feeling skinny to feeling fat. Fat fat fat….fat everywhere. Just too much of everything, filling out way too much space.

A bmi of 16.2 is not exactly the prototypical anorexic skinny body, even if you fulfill all the criteria for a diagnosis. But it’s certainly not fat. But it feels this way and I just want to rip off all the remaining fat of my 61cm waist and my 81cm hips and 79cm boobs and my seemingly fat thighs. I probably have felt thinner at a bmi 19 than a bmi 16 and this shows just how fucked up things are. I tried and tried but i don’t get bdd. It’s so surreal and paradox…i don’t get how your brain can do this shit to you. Recently a neurologist stated in documentary that apparently it’s because you starve that part of the brain which is responsible for self-perception…well, sounds plausible.

Still, we, the sick ones, experts on eating disorders who know everything from calories to the development and signs of anorexia, behaviours, diets, tricks, how to cheat etc…are usually incapable of realistically seeing our bodies.

Enough theoretical blablah though…i seriously feel like shit. If i could kill my body without harming my brain and soul i would do it right away.

Fuck everything. Fuck fuck fuck.


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