Emptiness and Ethanol

I’ve been feeling so empty these days….I have summer holiday until 4th Sept or something and meanwhile I should finish my papers and study for some final exams in autumn. I have zero motivation. All I want is get trashed and get through the weeks before fashion school starts. Very likely I’m putting too much hope in my Fashion School education but hey, I got nothing to lose and tbh, this seems is my only chance to get my life back on track.

Therapy isn’t going well, despite me being fatter than ever my therapist says she doesn’t think that outpatient therapy is doing me any good at the moment and that I should go IP. It definitely feels like we’re really stuck, maybe even more than in Spring. I don’t really want to go anymore. No idea what will happen (a couple shitty weeks for sure) but it feels like I’ making zero progress and having my mum spend money on absolutely nothing. I’m a mess with therapy, i’m a mess when I’m IP, I’m a mess when I have no support….it really doesn’t matter.

My wish? To disappear, to slowly fade into nothingness. My chance to have my wish come true? Zero. But I keep on trying. I’m sick of life, I think it has nothing more in store for me. I’m just a waste of oxygen and space.

And yes, i case this post seems weird to you, I’m drunk and on some self-prescribed meds. If I were sober things wouldn’t be any different though.


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