The Gruesome Obligatory Check-Up


Hi everyone ❤

So I had an appointment at the clinic today – I don’t know how many of you know this but I’m in therapy for my borderline/depression/anxiety issues and part of the agreement between my therapist is that I go to the doctor and psychiatrist every three months or so for a check-up. I never really stick to that (last time I went for a check-up at my doctors’ was about 8 months ago) but recently we discussed it in therapy and I made an appointment.

It’s really hard for me to go because I know exactly she won’t be happy, she’ll ask me what I eat, she’ll tell me that’s way too little and I’m anorexic and what we can agree on so that I eat and weigh more….etc etc…
She’s actually nice, I grew to like her when I was IP but she’s not so nice when you’ve lost weight (obviously;-))

So today she was really upset, already told me that I was superthin before she even weighed me and said I’m totally in my ED again and it’s visible I’m anorexic and I told her like yeah, maybe I’m thin but it’s not really noticeable no one ever mentions it…
She asked me if I knew that she could hospitalise me again and I countered that she couldn’t that it’s my own choice but she claimed of course she could, she just didn’t want to force me but that she was certainly not watching me die and supporting my ED.

She urged me into promising her that I would eat at least one full meal a day and wanted to know exactly what I would eat but of course my suggestions weren’t good enough (soup or low-fat quark with sugarfree ketchup or maybe tofu or non-meat soy sausages…). She said I needed something to go with the soup and suggested I could eat potatoes if I didn’t want to eat bread or else and I told her that actually sometimes I make chopped oven potatoes ( I do or at least did) and that I could eat those…
In the end I think she noted down soup+potatoes or tofu+potatoes and told me that instead of in three months she wanted to see me next month and that I musn’t lose any more weight and should’ve put on by then….

Well….SHIT.

But I don’t really care, it’s my own decision what I do with my body even if she tries to make me have a bad conscience for what I’m doing to the people that care about me….I told her that according to therapy etc I shouldn’t live for anyone else but for me, right??

If she wants to force me into a clinic I will not go, if I have to I will hide or whatever, I will certainly not go to the clinic. If I have to I will give up therapy, not go to the psycho and the doctor anymore, I can get my meds from my GP (and two others I think) too so that won’t be a problem….no one can force me.

I will definitely not put on weight or eat more (yikes!) and when she nags next time I will find an excuse and start using tricks before I go for a check-up (water, weights etc) I never did because when I was at my lowest in 2013 I didn’t go to check-ups at all so no one except family and friends knew so I never really had to cheat. But I will if necessary.

Idk what they expect….because actually after sessions like that I totally lose my appetite and actually don’t  manage physically to eat…lol….counterproductive….

Anyways, I will keep you updated, stay strong lovelies and be safe! ❤  🙂 ❤ xx

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