I’m writing this for my old followers, who decided to stay with me and who might (or maybe not) what I’ve been up to during the time I wasn’t blogging. I will only make a list because sooo much has happened and it would take A LOT of time to tell what exactly happened, please excuse my laziness 😉
- January 2014 – April 2014: 3 month-inpatient treatment/eating disorders-ward. I think I mentioned this earlier in one or more posts….I was afraid to go there because I didn’t want to sign a food contract and be forced to eat…to put it straight: I didn’t want to let go of my ED. I didn’t want to go inpatients ever again, I didn’t want therapy, I didn’t want any more negative experiences regarding these issues. I don’t remember exactly why I decided to go in the end but what might have contributed to my decision was that I was in a very bad mental state at that time and when I had my initial consultation a year before they said they would put me in the Borderline-ward. So I thought I might be safe with regard to my ED. It was a bloody shocking surprise and they gave me a meal plan where you could choose between 4 meals (ED people only between 4) and when they told me in the first group meeting, you’re in the Eating Disorder-ward, we had decided on that….and I was like No, you told me you would put me in the Borderline-ward, I don’t have an eating disorder….They gave me a chance to think about it and in the end I decided to stay. I must say this was the best treatment/therapy I ever got and the clinic was great, the people were lovely (there was one asshole-therapist though- I told her off;)) and I made progress, psychologically as well as eating-wise.
- March or April 2014: My boyfried came to visit me and broke up with me which was a huge setback.
- March or April 2014: I signed up for an online dating site because I was so scared to be alone and I wanted revenge…to make him jealous and regret his decision. I never stopped crying, the same night I voluntarily put myself under observation by the staff, I wanted to kill myself. Again. Only this time there were people who protected me….The next weekend I had time-off and was able to visit home I visited my Ex and tried to win him back. He actually never stopped loving me….it was the burden he felt through my eating-disorder (erm yeeaaah…..i was at the clinic that time, he had a lot of time to himself and he’s neither an angel…but nevermind, that’s what I told him too ;)) It was far more complicated thatn that though. We got back together against all other people’s opinion – his parents actually dared to make me the culprit and said I was ruining their son’s life, those people who knew about my issues and wanted me to be part of their family and support me….another slap in the face. By that time I pretty much hated them.
- I had met two people on the dating site and I continued to stay in touch with them as friends, I told them I was back together with my boyfriend and deleted my profile. One was a bit of a pervert and only wanted to talk about sex, he was a lot older than me but we shared some sexual preferences and it felt good to talk to a stranger so openly about thinks (no, nothing weird or anything…honestly! Just not average) Oh god, this is becoming embarassing and since one never knows who will read this blog one day, I won’t go into details and risk that you think badly of me 😉 Also I don’t want any pervs lingering on this site. Anyways, the second guy was really cute and nice and I enjoyed texting with him.
- Mid-April 2014: I got out of treatment, equipped with a meal plan but not so happy attitude as I didn’ want to go back home. It wasen’t so bad though in the beginning, my mum supported me a lot and even my Dad took my problem more seriously.
- May 2014: Eating according to my meal plan got harder and harder and I still hadn’t found a therapist, which really pulled me down. By June I was steadily reducing my intake and lost some weight.
- July 2014: I had FINALLY found a therapist. And I really tried to cooperate and also be good regarding my eating. I never managed to get back to my meal plan though. My ED doctor was pretty unhappy with me, she had accompanied through my whole inpatient recovery progress and here I was, with a much lower weight and a fuck-food attitude towards eating.
- August 2014: I had actually planned to go abroad for this month but when I got back together with my boyfriend, we planned to do so many things together when I got out of the clinic. But he had started being really egoistic and regularily told me he had no time because of university and acting classes…we would do all those things in August. In August we went to London for a week, which was wonderful, and really seemed to help us get back on track. Really, it was amazing. Passionate and exciting….it’s really hard to describe. Think: real and only love. Apart from that we never did anything else that he promised me we would do, he wanted to be alone all the time and a week after our London-stay he broke up with me.
- Mid-August 2014: That day I slashed my wrists. Both. Unfortunately it literally made a bloody mess and there was blood everywhere so my mum rushed me to the doctor and the doctor called the Austrian Equivalent to 911 and they rushed my to hospital and they stitched things back together. you can imagine how upset I was….I hated them all for letting me live and suffer. Because, really, it wasn’t your average heartbreak. I was broken. There was NOTHING to cheer me up. Or that I was interested in. Except for getting out of the clinic and giving it another try, this time dicreetly, like drinking all bottles of cleaning agents and alcohol or similar. They kept me for a few days under observation and let me out.
- August-November 2014: Emptiness. Extreme sadness and depression. I couldn’t properly follow university. I mostly lay on bed crying through the days. Not sleeping and staying up all night, reading, the only thing that distracted me. Not eating (much). Losing a lot of weight. A few phone conversations with my ex – we’d not only been partners but also best friends. We had shared our friends and we came in touch regularily. Finally we/he decided to cut off any contact. With him, I lost most of my friends. But mostly I had gotten close to them through him and it was easy to suppress my desperation.
- September-December 2014: The only thing that cheered me up a bit was getting a new room downstairs, away from my dad and his daily temper tantrums and humiliations. I spent way too much money on interior items. But that made me a tiny bit happy. So next to lying on bed and not sleeping and reading, I did that sometimes. But that was after some time had passed.
- December 2014. I decided to meet up with one of the guys I had met on the dating site – as friends. I was still badly in love. We had a lot of fun and ended up kissing and in bed. We kept in touch and I started spending more time with him. I had a crush but couldn’t commit because I was still otherwise attached. But I more or less lived in his flat most of the times and we did everything couples would do.
- February 2015: I committed to the relationship. It felt wonderful….I was finally a bit happy again. A week late the Ex called and caused a total mess. He wouldn’t stop calling and texting me. I blocked his number, unblocked it again, tried to stay away, then searched for his nearness.
- February-March 2015: I took a break from my boyfriend to spend time alone to find out whate exactly my feelings were.
TO BE CONTINUED….. 🙂