Drunk again. I was called fat. Thanks very much. For anorexic standards I probably am. But it hurts so much to hear it from another person. In case any of the people who called me fat are informed about the medical circumstances of anorexia: I’m still underweight. I may not be severely underweight but I’m definitely not fat.
In my previous post I copy-pasted some info on both conditions (although panic attacks are part of social phobia but can also happen in other situtaions). now I’m going – or try to since it’s pretty hard – talk about me experiences.
The reason why this is such a huge topic on my blog right now, is, that for the past month I’ve been experiencing all of this as strongly as ever. I’d like to talk about it to you to help me but I also hope it provides you with infos in case you need them. Also consider, whether you are a victim of SAD and try to seek help because this condition is living hell.
-muscle stiffness and tension
-inability to walk or only being able to walk very stiffly
-extreme fear that everone around you is watching you and noticing your ‘weird’ behaviour
-extreme anxiety and fear that someone might say something to hurt you or insult you or send you to mental ospital
-extreme fear of falling, it feels like you’re going to collapse every minute
-extreme pressure to ‘make a good impression and act normal to not make people notice you’
-slow talking as if in trance
….and many more.
Trying to describe a day of panic attacks and anxiety:
Imagine your outside your flat/house and you’re walking along the sidewalk. You feel observed and judged by everyone, especially those (this is something you might realise at some point or in therapy) who remind you of people/groups who used to mob you. I my case that’d be pupils, anyone between age 11-17, males from foreign cultures, little children. There is a reason why I’m afraid of these groups of people: those were the ones who used to make fun of me when I was a child and later, teenager.
So, back to your panic attack: everyone’s staring at you due to your trembling and weird behaviour ….sure, they always look at you like that anyways but now you are so visible to everyone that they can’t help noticing your
weird behaviour. So you start to panic even more because you don’t want any sort of attention, you want to be left alone and allowed to be the person you really are without other people making fun of you. But it feels like you’re just not allowed to you. So you try to put on your perfect little girl facade but it’s not helping. Because your thoughts are focused on the anxiety and weirdly enough, the more you try to gain control the more you get anxious and are going through all those typical panic attacks symptoms. You wished there was some sort of hidden tunnel where you could escape or that you had an invisibility cloak like Harry (cf. Harry Potter, vol. 3). But there isn’t. So you have to make your way through this crowd of people. Actually you feel comfortable in crowds because they make you feel like everyone’s s busy and occupied with not falling over each other so they obviously judge you less.
At some point you can’t move because if you do you’ll be shaking like ..
.something abnormal…and draw everyones attention towards you. Congratuations if at this point you’ve made it to your destination(flat/supermarket/library/school/uni/meeting place with friends…. this for sure wasn’t easy and it might feel like a miracle you’re still alive nor locked up in mental hospital.
If you’ve made it home to your flat you plan on never leaving it again. You have no idea how to face strangers who might judge you you. Since you have an eating disorder, moving/exercising is all you want to do. But you can’t. Because you don’t just have a eating disorder. You have SAD. And the whole situation makes you feel like you’re a fly caught in a spider’s web.
If you haven’t already, you now take the substance that
helps you through this. For me, it’s alcohol. It makes me feel confident and strong and I stop noticing so much what going on around me. It’s easier now to focus on walking from A to B. Of course now you think what if I fall because I’m drunk. But if you did you probably wouldn’t care. Because everything in your brain is just numb and there’s this slight smile on your face. Because for a short while you feel sort of happy and content. You know it’s not going to last…..
Today I’m going to be open with my panic attacks and social phobia. First, for everyone who is not familiar with this topic or who wants to figure out if they are affected by these disorders, I copied a description of both in here that I thought is pretty accurate. I also marked those symptoms in bold that I experience.
To read about my personal experiences with these conditions, read my next post.
A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:
- Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
- Trembling or shaking
- Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
- Feelings of choking
- Chest pain or discomfort
- Nausea or abdominal distress
- Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
- Chills or heat sensations
- Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
- Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
- Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
- Fear of dying (note: not of dying but fear of falling or collapsing any minute)
Social anxiety disorder
I had one yesterday and it went well except that I
didn’t want to couldn’t talk about my eating disorder. About anorexia. Because I’m SOSOSOSOSOSOSOS scared of hearing something that hurts me, and let me tell you, this would hurt me so much:
BUT YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A DISORDER.
ARE YOU BULIMIC?
I am technically underweight but except people close to me noone sees that, noone knows what my normal healthy body is supposed to look like. That it would mean 10kgs more to be healthy.
And this is why I am scared like hell about today’s first talk with another therapist. One who actually specialises on eating disorders and body dysmorphia but we all know stories of ‘specialists’, right?
I want to talk about the eating disorder. About ANOREXIA. Because I have it. I’m diagnosed. I fit the diagnosis. But then I’m afraid I don’t ‘qualify’ I’m not thin enough. I need to lose weight for doctors and therapists to take me seriously and not hurt me. I want my old therapist back!!!
A good and competent therapist would never tell me that I was fat. But I don’t know that woman who I’m going to see in 6,5 hours….it’s a risk. And I hate risks, especially if I might get hurt.
I don’t know what to do.
That was another reason why I cut yesterday by the way, it just came to my mind again.
It’s 4am, I slept for 3 hours and now I can’t go back to sleep. Curing alcohol with alcohol, although I don’t get hangovers I have a headache from the combo of alcohol+little sleep. I know this is bad. I know it is. So why do I do this to myself? I honestly don’t know.
As I mentioned on my facebook account I cut yesterday after almost a year. I just felt in need of relief so badly, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I know I probably sound like a sad little swot but it’s not like that….it hasn’t been for a long time because I haven’t been successful at anything at all. Okay, rewinding. Yes I have done some things, yes I am close to finishing my studies (hypothetically) and yes I’m probably (hypothetically) good at things. But that’s worth nothing to me if the present doesn’t work out and if I can’t access that part of me that can do stuff. I have no energy and motivation and above all no persistence. I wish I could just run away but I can’t. Physically yes, literally no.
After having come ‘so far’ with my studies I need to finish them because a) all the work and pain and the tears would’ve been in vain b)everyone expects me to and they’ll leave me in peace (and I’ll let myself in peace) if I did c) it’s all I have to show for in life apart from A-levels (wohoo). I know, inner worth etc blabla but that doesn’t get me a job or money or closer to my dreams. Not even sure what my dreams are anymore. I had it all planned out but it’s hard to have dreams if you are your own worst enemy and the present isn’t working out.
Again sounding like a whiny pathetic swat (oh my god my life is so sad because i can’t finish my studies….) They’re not just studies though. They’re me. They’re everything I’ve worked for and what I’ve gone through. I’ve invested so much passion, pain and tears into them, I deserve some kind of reward for that, and I want to get it otherwise I’ll live to regret it. They stand for finishing something, for going through with something big for once in my life that will actually have an impact on my future. I know this bachelor degree isn’t going to make me happy, I dread it but finishing something, staying strong, will. Not happy but a bit happier. And it’ll open new doors for me in life, it means I’d be independent and can do whatever I want without bad conscience. Tell that my fucked up brain though, there’s the rub.
Fml fml fml…..
And to sum it up, it’s not about my studies. This is about me. About my deep disgust and hatred of myself for whatever reason. My inability to accept myself and to be kind to myself. How can this be so difficult? What if the destructive part is too big?
I’m trying to get therapy again to help me a bit but I’m not sure this is going to work out. Because of said destructive part.
Diese verdammte Angst. Ich weiß nicht, warum sie seit zwei Wochen soso schlimm ist!? I have this constant feeling that people are going to make fun of me, talk about me and laugh at me. That my whole body starts shaking out of the blue doesn’t make it any better. Today I tried some ‘ first aid tips for panic attacks’ that I looked up online, such as certain breathing techniques while counting to ten etc. It helped a bit. Unfortunately I had the urge to drink and I drowned everything in alcohol – again. One of the things that I learned about panic attacks though and that make sense to me ist, that judging yourself for your angst and panic attacks makes everything worse. If you’re thinking ‘fuckihaveapanicattackwhatamigonnado fuckihaveapanicattackwhatamigonnado……’ it’s certainly not going to help, on the contrary, it makes everything worse. Apparently, you’re supposed to accept your angst. Makes sense but isn’t as easy.
Two glasses of wine. Very likely more during the next few hours if I don’t fall asleep. To my embarrassment boxed wine since I can’t afford more. I have no cigarettes so I feel like I need to give in to another addiction. I think it was last year in Spring that I became addicted to cigarettes. Out of choice because as someone with an eating disorder you know they decrease your appetite. And they help when you want to eat. But like all addictions it gets out of control eventually and you HAVE to have a cigarette RIGHT NOW. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to stop and I’ve always believed that if someone truly wanted to stop they can….it just shows how easily I become addicted to something.
Yesterday I downed almost a whole bottle of red wine, not much for me or probably anyone who drinks out of other reasons than pleasure. Despite about 88lbs I meanwhile need more and more to get drunk. Which is awful to me because more alcohol means more calories and less fat burning but what the hell. I’ve never gained because as long as you drink below your calories you’re fine. Anyways I went to sleep (red wine and wine in general makes me tired if not paired with an adequate dose of caffeine) so that’s probably why I didn’t finish the bottle….boyfriend discovered it when he came home and was pretty upset. I felt sorry for him because it hurts to see him hurting and worrying about me all the time. I was sober by the time then so at least that helped a bit. If he knew I was drinking now he’d either call me immediately and give me a lecture or he’d rush home. I don’t blame him but I wish I could just keep this separate from our relationship. But drinking will eventually affect any relationship like every addiction. But thank god he doesn’t know how much I drink and how I drink almost every day – thanks Wrigleys and Odol.
For the record, this is getting weird to write so openly about my drinking. But I just felt like getting something off my chest and well, it helped. After all I can write whatever I want. And I
have an excuse: I’m a bit drunk. Lol
Sie ist da. Ich spüre es in meinem ganzen Körper. Sie ist wieder ganz dicht da die Anorexie und verschmilzt mit mir. Wie oft war ich seit 2011 wieder an diesem Punkt und bin dann wieder rausgekommen um schlimmeres zu fühlen und zu ertragen, wo ich dann in Selbsthass versunken bin und mich vor mir geekelt habe. Diesmal kann ich einfach nicht dorthin zurück. Ich muss diesen Teufelskreis stoppen. Ich schaffe das nicht das aushalten, diese Selbstverachtung und Ekel vor mir selbst. Jetzt fühle ich mich irgendwie leicht, als schwebe ich, gleichzeitig fühle ich mich dick und einfach zuviel, was ich auch im Spiegel sehe. Aber irgendwie ist doch alles ein bisschen erträglicher. Und da meine körperlichen Symptome keinen Unterschied zu vorher aufweisen (Müdigkeit, Erschöpfung), fast im Gegenteil, sehe ich keinen Grund zurückzugehen. Doch gleichzeitig ist auch wieder diese drohende Gefahr da, dieses Gefühl zu verschwinden und wegzuschweben, und ich bin mir nicht sicher ob ich das angenehm oder unangenehm empfinde. Ich denke weder noch, es ist einfach nur bedrohlich. Bedrohlich wie gefährlich diese Krankheit ist, wie schnell es bergab geht, wie stark sie einen in den Fängen hat. Es ist keine bewusste Entscheidung, magersüchtig zu sein. Es hat herzlich wenig mit Entscheidungen und einem Selbst zu tun. Man ruscht hinein getrieben durch die Dämonen, und dann hat man es mit einer Entscheidung zu tun, etwas dagegen zu tun oder nicht. Und wenn der Zustand als angenehmer empfunden wird als davor, dann denkt man sich man bleibt eben dort. Das ist natürlich ganz plump ausgedrückt, es ist komplexer als das aber momentan fühlt es sich so für mich an. Ich will nicht zurückgehen zu Fettsein, Ekel, Blähungen, Völlegefühl, Fressen, Hunger, Selbsthass und Versagen. Deshalb bleibe ich hier, obwohl ich das Gefühl habe es entgleitet meiner Kontrolle. Es ist so furchtbar schwierig auszudrücken was ich fühle. Einerseits bin ich in Kontrolle und tu mir das alles selbst an, andererseits passiert es mit mir, es ist außer meiner Kontrolle. Wir werden sehen, wie es weitergeht. Vorerst jede Menge Cola und Energydrinks und ein bisschen Essen, bis ich mich ordentlich im Griff habe. Irgendwie bin ich aufgeregt. So weit war ich erst einmal. Wie viel ich wohl wiege? Wenn ich mich als wirklich dünn im Spiegel sehe und mich auch so fühle, dann werde ich mich wieder täglich wiegen. Ich vermisse es. Aber ich muss mich gedulden, jetzt wäre das nur ein Kollateralschaden wenn ich auf die Waage steige und dann vermutlich eine Zahl sehe die viel mehr ist als ich dachte. Dann denke ich wirklich wieder ich bin dick, wo ich mich doch gerade so halbwegs gut fühle. Alle machen sich Sorgen, mir tut das so leid.
Sitting here in front of my laptop drinking vodka-coke at 11 in the morning. How screwed up am I, right? Nobody start the ‘alcohol is no solution’ on me, I’m well aware of the effects and how it’s a depressant. But for that short while that I keep drinking everything seems a bit more bearable. Keeps away the hunger too. At some point I’ll be so tired that I’ll go to sleep for a couple hours but since I’m constantly tired anyways that’s not a bad thing. And for some reason I’ve been blessed with the ability to not get hangovers, I don’t know why but I just don’t.
Let me tell you something…I’m really sad. This is not what I signed up for. I want to get out somehow.